Somewhere between exhaustion and hope

Life update from a tired nervous system

I am a person of encouragement, positivity, and strength.

So naturally, when I struggle, I go quiet.

I isolate. I drop back into my rising Cancer crab shell and poke my head out every now and then.

I have articles saved to share, but right now, they don’t feel aligned. 🥲

I’ve written about how hard it can be to ask for help, but if I’m being honest, it’s not help that I need right now.

I need inspiration, likely! Maybe a “Hey, you got this!”

My body has been going through a variety of symptoms that, at times, I find difficult to separate myself from.

I’ve been experiencing a cluster storm of shit like:

• burnout

• anxiousness

• perfectionism

• hormonal struggles

• overwhelm

• carrying too much responsibility

And when you’re the friend everyone goes to for support, who do you go to when you’re that person?

My partner has been a great support, and he is always amazing. But as you likely know, if you’re in a relationship, we are all dealing with something while trying to support someone else through their own something.

I continuously have to remind myself that I have done enough.

But sometimes enough doesn’t feel like, well… enough.

Do you know what I mean?

Why do we do this shit to ourselves?

In the past week, I’ve tried to remind myself:

• I lifted weights twice.

• I did spin/sculpt for an hour.

• I walked 5 km.

• I travelled to BC.

• I cried and released.

• I journaled.

• I am getting my period and have cramps.

• I am dealing with contact dermatitis on my body from plant pesticides.

• I am sleep deprived.

• I am carrying anxiety.

My body is sensitive, and my nervous system is highly activated.

And to be quite honest, in these times, it’s really difficult to see the light.

And if you’ve been here with me for a while, or you follow me on my feed, you know I like to be the light. 🌞☕️

But sometimes our bodies, our minds, and life don’t have the same plans.

So I’ve been uninspired.

I’ve been struggling a bit.

And I am just simply tired.

Mix that in with my mother falling and dislocating her shoulder, friends with marital challenges coming to me for support, financial challenges with people close to me, and my son not needing me in the same way because he’s 13 and has his own life, and suddenly I feel like I’ve lost my sense of self. Also…perimenopause. Fml.

My scared brain says:
I’m failing.

The evidence says:
I’m exhausted, not incapable.

My scared brain says:
I’m letting everyone down.

The evidence says:
I have spent years showing up for people.

My scared brain says:
I’m becoming gross.

The evidence says:
My body is changing, stressed, inflamed, and asking for care.

My life update is this:

I am experiencing symptoms.
I am not the symptoms.

And I am trying to remind myself of that.

I realize that:

I am Ash.
I am sensitive.
I am carrying a lot.
I am having a hard season.
But I am still here.

And so, in true Ash fashion, I want to leave you with this if you’re going through a storm that you’re battling on your own. Because this story has to have a purpose for service for others, because well…I am Ash! 😂 And, that is who I am.

So here's what's been helping me, and maybe it'll help you too:

What my scared brain says:
…

What the evidence says:
…

I think you’ll be surprised by how much evidence exists against the fear you might be experiencing.

And like me, because we’re good at telling ourselves lies, maybe you’ve spent years collecting proof that you’re failing.

You’re not.

And maybe it’s time to collect proof that you’re surviving. 💛

Sending all my love, with a cup of coffee,

✨ Ash

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